# My 4-year-old hits when he's frustrated. How do I make it stop?

> A four-year-old who hits when frustrated has a feeling that arrives faster than
> his words. The ten seconds after a hit, the skill to teach instead, the research
> behind both, and when to call the pediatrician. Alexis Davis, LICSW, parenting
> consultation, Medford MA and Greater Boston; video across Massachusetts. Free
> 15-minute call: (339) 545-1005.

Markdown version of https://yourfamilytools.com/answers/child-hits-when-frustrated -- see /llms.txt for the site map.

First: a four-year-old who hits when he's frustrated is not a bad kid, and you're
not a bad parent. At this age the feeling arrives faster than the words for it, and
hitting is what a body does when it's full and the mouth is empty. It's common.
It's also something you can change, because the fix is a skill, and four-year-olds
learn skills fast when the adults around them run the same play every time.

## Why he hits

Frustration outruns language. He wants the truck, his sister has the truck, and
the gap between the want and the words is where the hand goes. Two other things
keep it going: hitting often works (the truck appears, or the sister leaves), and
hitting always gets a reaction. Both are payoffs. Your plan has to remove both and
teach what to do instead.

## The ten seconds after a hit

Move fast and say little. Step in, block or separate, and say one calm line: "No
hitting. Hitting hurts." That's the whole speech. Then turn your attention to the
child who was hit, not the one who hit. That order matters. The hitter gets no
audience, and the hurt child gets the comfort.

Then a short, boring pause for the hitter, out of the action. In the programs I
use this is a few minutes of quiet, roughly a minute per year of age, in a dull
spot, with no talking. Not a punishment speech, not a bedroom full of toys. When
the time is up, it's done. Go back to playing. If he hits again, you do the exact
same thing, in the exact same voice, and you will do it many times in the first
week. That's the job.

## Teach the replacement when everyone is calm

Hitting stops for good when something else takes its place. Give him the words he
doesn't have yet: "I'm mad!" "My turn next!" "Help me!" Practice them at the
kitchen table when nothing is wrong, like a game. Give him something to do with
his body instead: stomp, squeeze a pillow, come find you.

Then catch him using it. The first time he says "I'm mad" instead of swinging,
that is the moment the whole plan turns on. Name it, right then: "You used your
words when you were mad. That's exactly it." Do this every single time for a few
weeks. Praise makes the new skill stick, but only when it's specific and immediate.

## Watch the fuse

Most hitting has a runway. Tired, hungry, a sibling too close, a transition coming,
a toy that only one child can hold. You'll know his runway within a week of paying
attention. Coach before the flashpoint, not after: "Your sister's coming over. If
she grabs it, what do you say?" Shorten the sharing battles where you can; two of
the same truck is cheaper than a month of hitting.

## Everyone runs the same play

If one parent does the calm line and the pause and the other parent shouts or
lets it go, the hitting continues, because he's learned it depends on who's in the
room. Agree on the exact words and the exact response with every adult who cares
for him, including grandparents and daycare if you can. Same words, same pause,
same praise for using words. Boring for the adults. That's what works.

## Why I do it this way

None of this is my opinion. Each step comes from programs with decades of research
behind them. Here is the research, in plain words, with the study under each one.

1. **Hitting at this age is common, and most children grow out of it.**
   Researchers followed 572 children from 17 to 42 months. Only about a quarter
   rarely hit at all; most showed some physical aggression that faded as they
   learned to regulate it. The learning is the part you control, and it is exactly
   what the steps above teach. Source: Tremblay and colleagues, Canadian Child and
   Adolescent Psychiatry Review, 2005. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19030494/
2. **The short, calm pause.** Time-out done briefly and without drama is one of the
   most studied discipline tools there is, and a 2019 review in American
   Psychologist concluded the evidence for it is overwhelming when it is used the
   way I describe: short, predictable, and followed by warmth. The minute-per-year
   rule is the American Academy of Pediatrics' own guidance. Source: Dadds and
   Tully, American Psychologist, 2019, https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30802080/;
   American Academy of Pediatrics, How to Give a Time-Out, HealthyChildren.org.
3. **Words for the feeling.** In a randomized trial of 216 parents of four- and
   five-year-olds, teaching parents to name and coach their children's emotions
   improved the children's emotional knowledge, and both parents and teachers
   reported fewer behavior problems afterward. "I'm mad" is a skill, and it can be
   taught. Source: Havighurst and colleagues, Journal of Child Psychology and
   Psychiatry, 2010. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20735794/
4. **Praise the replacement, every time.** Across 154 parenting trials, the
   techniques most tied to results were positive reinforcement, praise in
   particular, and natural consequences. Catching him using his words is not a
   nicety. It is the active ingredient. Source: Leijten and colleagues, Journal of
   the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 2019.
   https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30738545/
5. **Same response from every adult, and never a harsh one.** The Incredible Years
   program this plan draws on has been tested in 50 controlled studies and works
   best for the children who are struggling most. The American Academy of
   Pediatrics is blunt about the alternative: yelling at or shaming children is
   minimally effective in the short term and not effective in the long term.
   Source: Menting, Orobio de Castro and Matthys, Clinical Psychology Review, 2013,
   https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/23994367/; Sege and Siegel, Pediatrics, 2018,
   https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30397164/

## When to call your pediatrician instead

Talk to your pediatrician if he's injuring other children or animals, if the
hitting comes with other big changes in sleep, speech, or play, or if a plan run
the same way for a month hasn't moved it at all. Those are a doctor's questions.
This page is parenting consultation, not therapy and not a diagnosis.

## Tell me what's going on

15 minutes, free. Bring one hard moment from this week. You'll leave the call with
something to try. https://yourfamilytools.com/contact