# My child won't eat dinner, and every meal is a fight. What do I do?

> Dinner fights that come back every night run on pressure: the harder the food
> is pushed, the more refusing pays off. The fix, the research behind it, and
> when to call the pediatrician. Alexis Davis, LICSW, parenting consultation,
> Medford MA and Greater Boston; video across Massachusetts. Free 15-minute
> call: (339) 545-1005.

Markdown version of https://yourfamilytools.com/answers/child-wont-eat-dinner -- see /llms.txt for the site map.

Three more bites. Then two. Then one, and you can have dessert. You've coaxed,
bargained, and cooked a second dinner, and tomorrow it starts again. You're not
failing, and your child isn't being difficult for sport. This is one of the most
fixable things parents bring me.

## What the fight is doing

At most tables, refusing gets more of you than eating does. Every push, bribe,
and plea turns the plate into a contest, and a small child wins a contest about
what goes in their mouth every time. Nobody planned it this way; your child has
learned where the attention is.

## Take the fight out of the food

The fix is to split the jobs: you decide what's served and when, and your child
decides how much. When you stop coaxing, bargaining, and cooking a second
dinner, there's nothing left to fight about. What that looks like at your table
is what we work out together in our sessions.

## Give the table something better

Put your attention on what you want more of: sitting with the family, talking, a
pleasant meal. A child who gets your interest for telling you about their day
has less reason to earn it by pushing the plate away. I have two boys, and I
know how long dinner feels when it's a standoff. You'll stay calmer when your
day has had something in it for you, too: coffee with a friend, a run, a chapter
of a book.

## Why I do it this way

1. **Why pressure backfires.** In 4,845 Dutch families, fussy eating drew more
   pressure to eat, and pressure at age 4 went with more fussiness at age 6, so
   the loop runs both ways and nobody is to blame for starting it. Source:
   Jansen and colleagues, Physiology and Behavior, 2017.
   https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28215424/ 2. **A Triple P program built for
   mealtimes.** In a randomized trial with 86 parents of 2- to 5-year-olds,
   parents in Hassle Free Mealtimes Triple P reported large gains in their
   children's mealtime behavior, and the gains held at six months. Source:
   Morawska and colleagues, Behaviour Research and Therapy, 2014.
   https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24362359/ 3. **Most poor eaters are fine;
   some need a doctor.** A guide for pediatricians notes that most young
   children whose parents think they eat poorly are only mildly affected, and
   that a small share need a doctor's or a specialist's help. Source: Kerzner
   and colleagues, Pediatrics, 2015. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25560449/

## When to call your pediatrician instead

Talk to your pediatrician if your child is losing weight or falling off their
growth curve, if they gag, choke, or vomit with food, if their list of foods is
very short and keeps shrinking, or if eating comes with pain, constipation, or
low energy. Those are a doctor's questions. This page is parenting consultation,
not therapy and not a diagnosis.

## 15 minutes, free

Tell me what's going on, and I'll tell you how I can help. https://yourfamilytools.com/contact