A straight answer
Every time I turn off the screen, my child melts down. What do I do?
Alexis Davis, LICSW. Parenting consultation, Medford MA and Greater Boston.
You say "two more minutes." Then you reach for the tablet, and your child is on the floor, screaming like you took something of theirs. Some days you dread it so much you let the show run. You're not failing, and your child isn't spoiled. Turning off a screen is one of the hardest stops we ask of a young child, and it's very fixable.
Why the screen is so hard to stop
A show or a game rarely ends on its own. There's always another episode or another level, right up to the second it goes dark. From your child's side, the ending comes out of nowhere, from you, in the middle of something good.
Make the ending predictable
A child who never knows when the screen will end fights every ending. When the stop comes the same way every time, and your child can see it coming, there's less to fight about. What that looks like in your house, at your child's age, is what we work out together in our sessions.
Don't let the meltdown bring it back
If the meltdown gets the screen back even once in a while, your child learns that melting down is worth a try. And each meltdown that passes without the screen is practice at calming down. I have two boys, and I know how tempting the remote is at 5:30. Holding that line is easier on a day you've had a break yourself, so plan some time that's just yours.
Why I do it this way
None of this is my opinion. Each step comes from programs with decades of research behind them. Here is the research, in plain words, with the study under each one.
The cycle is real
In 315 preschoolers, more tablet use at 3.5 went with more anger at 4.5, and more anger went with more tablet use at 5.5, a cycle the authors say works against learning to handle big feelings.
Why the screen shouldn't be the calmer
In 422 children aged 3 to 5, calming them with a device went with more emotional reactivity three months later in boys and high-energy children; the authors suggest it may crowd out learning to calm down.
Your pediatrician on media
The American Academy of Pediatrics asks pediatricians to guide families on young children's media use, beyond time limits, so your pediatrician is the right person for the questions below.
Source: American Academy of Pediatrics Council on Communications and Media, Pediatrics, 2016
When to call your pediatrician instead
Talk to your pediatrician if the meltdowns come at every change, not just when a screen goes off, if your child hurts themselves or others during them, if screens are cutting into sleep, or if their speech or play seems behind other kids their age. Those are a doctor's questions. This page is parenting consultation, not therapy and not a diagnosis.