A straight answer
My kids fight all day long. How do I stop refereeing?
Alexis Davis, LICSW. Parenting consultation, Medford MA and Greater Boston.
"He started it." "She hit me first." You've taken the toy away, made them say sorry, and ten minutes later it starts again. By dinner you feel less like a parent and more like a referee. You're not failing, and your kids aren't broken. Siblings fight. Fighting all day usually means the fights pay off, and that can change.
What the fighting is doing
Every fight that ends with you in the middle pays off for somebody. One child gets the toy back, the other gets you on their side, and both get your full attention within seconds. Your kids aren't scheming. They've learned that a fight is the fastest way to reach you.
From judge to coach
As long as you decide who's right, every fight needs you. The fix moves you from judge to coach: you stop ruling on who started it and help them work it out themselves. If someone is getting hurt, you still step in right away. How you step back depends on their ages and how rough the fights get, and that's what we work out in our sessions.
Notice the peace
Right now the fighting probably gets your biggest reaction, and the quiet ten minutes of building blocks gets none. Turn that around, so the times they play well together get your attention too. I have two boys, and I know how fast "He started it!" carries through a house. Refereeing all day drains anyone, and time with other adults, or on your own, is how you come back steady.
Why I do it this way
None of this is my opinion. Each step comes from programs with decades of research behind them. Here is the research, in plain words, with the study under each one.
Why I take you out of the judge's chair
Across 88 sources and 26,451 children and teens, the child who got less favored treatment than a sibling had more behavior and emotional problems, which is why neither child should feel like the one who always loses.
Coach, don't judge
In a randomized trial of 48 families with children aged 5 to 10, children whose parents learned to help them settle their own disputes compromised more often and were less negative when they argued on their own.
Sibling aggression isn't always harmless
In a national sample of 3,599 children and teens, those on the receiving end of sibling aggression had more mental health distress, which is why the target child comes first below.
Source: Tucker, Finkelhor, Turner and Shattuck, Pediatrics, 2013
When to call your pediatrician instead
Talk to your pediatrician if one child is always the target and seems scared, withdrawn, or dreads being at home, if the fights leave marks or injuries, or if the same aggression shows up at school too. Those are a doctor's questions. This page is parenting consultation, not therapy and not a diagnosis.