# My kids fight all day long. How do I stop refereeing?

> Siblings who fight all day have learned that a fight is the fastest way to
> reach you. Why refereeing keeps it going, the fix, the research, and when to
> call the pediatrician. Alexis Davis, LICSW, parenting consultation, Medford MA
> and Greater Boston; video across Massachusetts. Free 15-minute call:
> (339) 545-1005.

Markdown version of https://yourfamilytools.com/answers/siblings-fight-all-day -- see /llms.txt for the site map.

"He started it." "She hit me first." You've taken the toy away, made them say
sorry, and ten minutes later it starts again. By dinner you feel less like a
parent and more like a referee. You're not failing, and your kids aren't broken.
Siblings fight. Fighting all day usually means the fights pay off, and that can
change.

## What the fighting is doing

Every fight that ends with you in the middle pays off for somebody. One child
gets the toy back, the other gets you on their side, and both get your full
attention within seconds. Your kids aren't scheming. They've learned that a
fight is the fastest way to reach you.

## From judge to coach

As long as you decide who's right, every fight needs you. The fix moves you from
judge to coach: you stop ruling on who started it and help them work it out
themselves. If someone is getting hurt, you still step in right away. How you
step back depends on their ages and how rough the fights get, and that's what we
work out in our sessions.

## Notice the peace

Right now the fighting probably gets your biggest reaction, and the quiet ten
minutes of building blocks gets none. Turn that around, so the times they play
well together get your attention too. I have two boys, and I know how fast "He
started it!" carries through a house. Refereeing all day drains anyone, and time
with other adults, or on your own, is how you come back steady.

## Why I do it this way

1. **Why I take you out of the judge's chair.** Across 88 sources and 26,451
   children and teens, the child who got less favored treatment than a sibling
   had more behavior and emotional problems, which is why neither child should
   feel like the one who always loses. Source: Jensen and Thomsen, Child
   Development, 2024. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/38439142/
2. **Coach, don't judge.** In a randomized trial of 48 families with children
   aged 5 to 10, children whose parents learned to help them settle their own
   disputes compromised more often and were less negative when they argued on
   their own. Source: Smith and Ross, Child Development, 2007.
   https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/17517005/
3. **Sibling aggression isn't always harmless.** In a national sample of 3,599
   children and teens, those on the receiving end of sibling aggression had more
   mental health distress, which is why the target child comes first below.
   Source: Tucker, Finkelhor, Turner and Shattuck, Pediatrics, 2013.
   https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/23776124/

## When to call your pediatrician instead

Talk to your pediatrician if one child is always the target and seems scared,
withdrawn, or dreads being at home, if the fights leave marks or injuries, or if
the same aggression shows up at school too. Those are a doctor's questions. This
page is parenting consultation, not therapy and not a diagnosis.

## 15 minutes, free

Tell me what's going on, and I'll tell you how I can help. https://yourfamilytools.com/contact