# My child's tantrums don't stop, and nothing I try works. What do I do?

> Tantrums that keep coming back run on a loop: trigger, tantrum, payoff. A week
> of tracking finds the loop; a two-part plan breaks it. Each step below carries
> the study behind it. Alexis Davis, LICSW, parenting consultation, Medford MA and
> Greater Boston; video across Massachusetts. Free 15-minute call: (339) 545-1005.

Markdown version of https://yourfamilytools.com/answers/tantrums-nothing-works -- see /llms.txt for the site map.

You've tried the calm voice, the firm voice, the timer, the sticker chart, the
ignoring, the hugging. Some of it worked for a day. Then it didn't. If you're
reading this at 9 PM after another one, hear this first: you're not failing.
Tantrums that keep coming back are almost never random. They run on a loop, and
loops can be broken once you can see them.

## What the tantrum is doing

A tantrum that repeats is working for your child in some way. It gets something
(the screen, the cookie, five more minutes). It gets out of something (bath, bed,
the car seat). Or it gets a big reaction, and for a small child a big reaction from
you is worth a lot, even an angry one. Trigger, tantrum, payoff. Your child isn't
plotting this. Their nervous system has learned what works.

That's why advice that sounds right often fails. "Just stay calm" doesn't touch the
payoff. "Be consistent" is true but tells you nothing about what to be consistent
about.

## Track it for one week before you change anything

This is the first thing I ask every family to do, and it's the step everyone wants
to skip. For seven days, write down three things after each tantrum: what happened
right before, what you did, and what happened right after. A note on your phone is
fine.

By day five most parents can see it. The tantrums cluster at 5:30 PM. Or they start
when a screen goes off. Or they end, every time, with your child getting the thing
the tantrum was about. You don't need me to see a pattern like that. You need the
week of notes.

## Half the plan happens before the tantrum

Once you know the trigger, most of the work moves earlier. A two-minute warning
before the screen goes off. Snack at 4:30 so 5:30 isn't a hunger meltdown. A choice
you can live with either way: "red cup or blue cup," not "do you want to come to
dinner." A short, boring routine for the transition that goes badly, run the same
way every day.

And catch them doing it right. Specific, immediate praise for the small moment that
used to blow up: "You turned the tablet off when the timer went. That was hard, and
you did it." Children repeat what gets noticed.

## The other half is what you do in the moment

Say less. One short, calm sentence, then stop talking. Reasoning with a child
mid-tantrum is like reasoning with a fire alarm. Keep them safe, keep your face
neutral, and do not give the thing the tantrum is about. Not this time, not after
twenty minutes, not because they finally said please. The moment you start giving
in sometimes, the tantrums get longer, because sometimes is worth waiting for.

If the tantrum is for your attention, give it none until the noise stops, then
reconnect right away and warmly. If it's about a limit, the limit stands and you
stay close. When it's over, it's over. No lecture, no replay. Go back to the day.

## What makes it worse

Giving in once in a while. Long explanations. Big reactions, including big sad
ones. Threatening consequences you won't follow through on. Changing the plan every
few days because it "isn't working yet." A plan needs two to three weeks of the
same response before you can judge it. I have two boys, and I know exactly how long
two weeks feels at bedtime.

## Why I do it this way

None of this is my opinion. Each step comes from programs with decades of research
behind them. Here is the research, in plain words, with the study under each one.

1. **Track first, then plan.** Everything I do sits on Triple P, and Triple P
   starts with finding the pattern before touching the behavior. Across 101 studies
   and more than 16,000 families, it moved children's behavior by about half a
   standard deviation and held up at follow-up. Guessing does not do that.
   Source: Sanders, Kirby, Tellegen and Day, Clinical Psychology Review, 2014.
   https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24842549/
2. **Knowing what is normal.** In a community sample of 1,490 preschoolers, 84
   percent had tantrums sometimes and 9 percent had them daily. The tantrums that
   worried the researchers were the unpredictable, prolonged, or destructive ones,
   not the ones that happen when a four-year-old is told no. That is the line I use
   too. Source: Wakschlag and colleagues, Journal of Child Psychology and
   Psychiatry, 2012. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22928674/
3. **Specific praise and real consequences.** When researchers pulled apart 154
   parenting trials to see which techniques actually carried the effect, three
   stood out: positive reinforcement, praise in particular, and natural or logical
   consequences. Not lectures. Not charts. The two things I ask you to do most.
   Source: Leijten and colleagues, Journal of the American Academy of Child and
   Adolescent Psychiatry, 2019. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30738545/
4. **Holding the line without getting harsh.** A meta-analysis of 1,435 studies
   found that both harsh control and permissive parenting go with more acting out,
   and the harsh end was the strongest link. Calm, firm, and boring beats both
   yelling and caving. That is the whole reason I say less. Source: Pinquart,
   Developmental Psychology, 2017. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28459276/
5. **The red flags I watch for.** In a study of 279 preschoolers, the tantrums that
   went with a diagnosis were the ones with violence, self-injury, and real trouble
   recovering afterward. That is why the pediatrician list below reads the way it
   does. Source: Belden, Thomson and Luby, The Journal of Pediatrics, 2008.
   https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/18154912/

## When to call your pediatrician instead

Call your pediatrician if your child hurts themselves during a tantrum, if they
hold their breath until they go limp, if the tantrums are still daily and intense
past age six, or if you see a loss of skills your child used to have. That's a
conversation for a doctor, and it's not what this page is. This is parenting
consultation, not therapy and not a diagnosis.

## Tell me what's going on

15 minutes, free. Bring one hard moment from this week. You'll leave the call with
something to try. https://yourfamilytools.com/contact