# My teenager won't listen to anything I say. How do I get through?

> Teens who fight every request are doing the job of their age. The direction of
> the fix, the research behind it, and when to call your teen's doctor. Alexis
> Davis, LICSW, parenting consultation, Medford MA and Greater Boston; video
> across Massachusetts. Free 15-minute call: (339) 545-1005.

Markdown version of https://yourfamilytools.com/answers/teenager-wont-listen -- see /llms.txt for the site map.

The eye roll. The door that closes a little too hard. Ask about homework and it
turns into an argument about what's fair. You're not failing, and your teenager
isn't broken. Teens pull away at this age; your job is to stay in their life
while they do it.

## What the pushback is doing

Teens are supposed to push for independence, and arguing with you is how they
practice. When every ask becomes a debate, more lectures and more rules tend to
feed it: each one is something new to push against.

## Fewer rules, settled ahead of time

What helps is a short list of non-negotiables, agreed calmly ahead of time, not
in the middle of a fight. Teens tend to keep rules they helped set. Which rules
make your list is what we work out together in our sessions.

## Stay close, not just in charge

Keep some time with your teen that isn't about correcting them: the car ride,
the late snack, the show you both like. That's where your teen starts talking
again. I have two young boys, and I've sat with enough parents of teenagers to
know how it stings when the kid who told you everything goes quiet. The long
game is easier with something of your own going: a walk with a friend, a night
out, an hour that's only yours.

## Why I do it this way

1. **Why closeness beats checking up.** In 703 Swedish 14-year-olds and their
   parents, most of what parents knew came from what teens chose to tell them,
   and that telling, more than tracking, was most closely tied to whether teens
   got into trouble. Source: Stattin and Kerr, Child Development, 2000.
   https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/11016567/
2. **A Triple P program built for teens.** In a randomized trial with 72
   families of 12- to 15-year-olds, Group Teen Triple P parents reported fewer
   problem behaviors, their teens reported less conflict at home, and many gains
   held at six months. Source: Chu and colleagues, Prevention Science, 2015.
   https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25373684/
3. **Sometimes it's more than pushback.** In a national survey of 167,783 U.S.
   teens aged 12 to 17, the share who had a major depressive episode in the past
   year nearly doubled, from 8.1% in 2009 to 15.8% in 2019: about 1 in 6.
   Source: Daly, Journal of Adolescent Health, 2022.
   https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34663534/

## When to call your teen's doctor instead

Talk to your teen's doctor if they pull away from friends too, if grades fall
off, if sleep or appetite changes and stays changed, if you see signs of
drinking or drug use, or any sign of self-harm. Those are a doctor's questions.
If safety is at risk right now, call or text 988. This page is parenting
consultation, not therapy and not a diagnosis.

## 15 minutes, free

Tell me what's going on, and I'll tell you how I can help. https://yourfamilytools.com/contact