A straight answer
My kid won't listen until I yell. What am I doing wrong?
Alexis Davis, LICSW. Parenting consultation, Medford MA and Greater Boston.
You ask nicely. You ask again. By the fourth time you're yelling, and that's when the shoes finally go on. Then you feel terrible for the rest of the morning. You're not a bad parent, and your child isn't ignoring you on purpose. This is one of the most common things parents bring me, and one of the most fixable.
Why only the yell works
If the first three asks come and go and nothing happens, your child has learned that the first three don't count. The yell is the signal that you mean it now. That isn't defiance. Your child has worked out which ask matters, the way any of us would.
Make the first ask the one that counts
Make your first ask mean something. It only does if the same thing follows it every time. When the first ask carries the weight, you don't need the volume. In our sessions, we work out together how that looks in your house, with your child's age and your mornings.
Notice the listening
Right now your child probably gets your biggest reaction for not listening. Turn that around, so the times your child does listen get your attention too. I have two young boys. Some days I nail this, and other days I hear myself yelling up the stairs. The yelling days are usually the empty-tank days, so time with a friend, or time alone, is part of the plan.
Why I do it this way
None of this is my opinion. Each step comes from programs with decades of research behind them. Here is the research, in plain words, with the study under each one.
Why I don't build on yelling
The American Academy of Pediatrics finds that yelling at children is minimally effective in the short term and not effective in the long term, which is why the fix goes somewhere else.
The program behind the approach
A review of 50 studies found that Incredible Years parent training improved children's disruptive behavior, and the biggest gains came in the families who started with the hardest behavior.
Source: Menting, Orobio de Castro and Matthys, Clinical Psychology Review, 2013
Check hearing
The American Academy of Pediatrics says hearing can change after infancy, so it needs checking again as children grow, which is why hearing is first on the list below.
When to call your pediatrician instead
Talk to your pediatrician if your child often doesn't respond when they can't see your face, if their speech seems behind other kids their age, or if teachers see the same trouble listening and focusing at school, not just at home. Those are a doctor's questions. This page is parenting consultation, not therapy and not a diagnosis.