# My kid won't listen until I yell. What am I doing wrong?

> When a child only moves after you yell, they've learned the first few asks
> don't count. Why that happens, the fix, the research behind it, and when to
> call the pediatrician. Alexis Davis, LICSW, parenting consultation, Medford MA
> and Greater Boston; video across Massachusetts. Free 15-minute call:
> (339) 545-1005.

Markdown version of https://yourfamilytools.com/answers/wont-listen-until-i-yell -- see /llms.txt for the site map.

You ask nicely. You ask again. By the fourth time you're yelling, and that's
when the shoes finally go on. Then you feel terrible for the rest of the
morning. You're not a bad parent, and your child isn't ignoring you on purpose.
This is one of the most common things parents bring me, and one of the most
fixable.

## Why only the yell works

If the first three asks come and go and nothing happens, your child has learned
that the first three don't count. The yell is the signal that you mean it now.
That isn't defiance. Your child has worked out which ask matters, the way any of
us would.

## Make the first ask the one that counts

Make your first ask mean something. It only does if the same thing follows it
every time. When the first ask carries the weight, you don't need the volume. In
our sessions, we work out together how that looks in your house, with your child's
age and your mornings.

## Notice the listening

Right now your child probably gets your biggest reaction for not listening. Turn
that around, so the times your child does listen get your attention too. I have
two young boys. Some days I nail this, and other days I hear myself yelling up
the stairs. The yelling days are usually the empty-tank days, so time with a
friend, or time alone, is part of the plan.

## Why I do it this way

1. **Why I don't build on yelling.** The American Academy of Pediatrics finds
   that yelling at children is minimally effective in the short term and not
   effective in the long term, which is why the fix goes somewhere else. Source:
   Sege and Siegel, Pediatrics, 2018. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30397164/
2. **The program behind the approach.** A review of 50 studies found that
   Incredible Years parent training improved children's disruptive behavior, and
   the biggest gains came in the families who started with the hardest behavior.
   Source: Menting, Orobio de Castro and Matthys, Clinical Psychology
   Review, 2013. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/23994367/
3. **Check hearing.** The American Academy of Pediatrics says hearing can change
   after infancy, so it needs checking again as children grow, which is why
   hearing is first on the list below. Source: Bower and colleagues, Pediatrics, 2023.
   https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/37635686/

## When to call your pediatrician instead

Talk to your pediatrician if your child often doesn't respond when they can't
see your face, if their speech seems behind other kids their age, or if teachers
see the same trouble listening and focusing at school, not just at home. Those
are a doctor's questions. This page is parenting consultation, not therapy and
not a diagnosis.

## 15 minutes, free

Tell me what's going on, and I'll tell you how I can help. https://yourfamilytools.com/contact